South Ayrshire Multi Agency Partnership

Information For Women

Myths and Realities

Myth: "She must deserve it or provoke it."
Reality: There is no justification for using violence, unless your life is in danger. No-one deserves to be abused, and there is always an alternative, no matter how angry you are.

Myth: "She must enjoy it, otherwise she'd leave."
Reality: Women stay with abusive men for many reasons, but not because they enjoy being abused. They may not know they are entitled to permanent re-housing if they leave home because of violence, and think they would be homeless. They may not know they are entitled to Income Support for themselves and their children, and think they would be penniless. They may fear they would lose their children if they "desert" their partners. They may not know Women's Aid can provide safe, secret refuge, and fear that they would be found wherever they tried to go. They may feel that it is unfair to take the children away from their father. They may feel the abuse is their fault. Or they may have been told by their partner that he will find and kill them if they try to leave. None of these have anything to do with enjoying being abused.

Myth: "It's just the odd domestic tiff. Everybody has arguments."
Reality: The difference between the occasional argument, which all couples have, and domestic violence is that the latter is quite deliberate behaviour which is used by men to exert power and control over their women partners. A range of different types of controlling behaviours are used, from depriving her of money or sleep, criticising her appearance, telling her who she can be friendly with, locking her in the house, hitting her 'sometimes with weapons - raping her, threatening to kill her and her children.

Myth: "It's all caused by drink."
Reality: Some men only abuse their partners when they have been drinking, but some only do it when they are sober, and some do it drunk or sober. Drink can provide an easy excuse, but is more of a trigger than a root cause of violence.

Myth: "It only happens in problem families."
Reality: Men from all walks of life, all ethnic backgrounds and all ages abuse their women partners. There is no typical abuser, and no typical abused woman. Women's Aid has supported women whose partners were for example doctors, social workers, ministers, solicitors, psychiatrists or teachers.

Myth: "These men must be mentally ill."
Reality: For a lot of people, it is easier to believe that an abusive man is mentally ill than it is to accept that he knows exactly what he is doing when he assaults, rapes or tortures his partner. Most men who abuse their partners are only violent to them, never to anyone else. Most men who abuse are able to function normally in society, in the workplace, in all their other contacts with people.

Myth: "Men who abuse were abused themselves as children."
Reality: There is no evidence that there is a 'cycle of violence', whereby children who were abused, or who witnessed abuse, go on to become abusers themselves. Many men who abuse come from families with no history of violence. Many have brothers who are not abusive. Children who witness abuse do not automatically grow up to be violent towards their partners; many completely reject the use of abusive behaviour as a result of their experiences.

Myth: "It was one-off. He's really sorry, and it won't happen again."
Reality: Once a man has started to abuse his partner, it is likely to happen again. It is rarely an isolated incident; usually it is part of a pattern of controlling behaviour, which may not have been recognised as such eg telling her what to wear, who to see, being very possessive and jealous. Men often say they are sorry afterwards, make promises and say they'll never do it again. Often women who have left return to violent partners because of these promises, and there may be a 'honeymoon' period when he appears to be the perfect partner. However, most abusers will abuse again, maybe in a different form, and women should be wary of their promises.

Myth: "Women should stay for the sake of their children. Children need a father."
Reality: Children who experience domestic violence suffer emotionally and some may also be physically or sexually abused. Many women leave when they see the effects on their children of their partner's abuse. Children's emotional and physical health tends to improve when they come into refuges. Children need love and security, which they can get from their mother, more than they need a 'father figure', especially one whom they know to be abusive to their mother. Some children of abused women do, however, have a good relationship with their father, and want to continue to see him. Access visits can be arranged to allow this to happen. Women and children have a right to a life free from violence for the sake of both the women and the children.